Some personal things

While being in Sweden I experienced some kind of personal crisis regarding my relationship. It has been in the back of my head for quite some time, gnawing on me and making me feel horribly guilty every time it would come up to the surface. Because there is nothing wrong with my boyfriend, I felt there was something wrong with me. Why can’t I be happy when everything goes well? Most people would die for a relationship like mine and still there was something missing. Since I keep ignoring this for such a long time it caused me to eventually feel very bad. I had days where I felt like my life was over, nothing fun would ever happen again, I was old, fat and boring, a shadow of my previous self. As I write this now I realize how horrible it sounds but I really did feel like that, in combination with some other things going on all I wanted to do was to go home. I felt loved by my boyfriend but not liked by the people close to him and while being in Sweden I realized I need to figure this out. 

When sitting on the toilet seat, watching my mom sort the laundry I finally just said what I felt so guilty about. I felt trapped in my relationship and it was all moving very, very fast and it was all so serious. I would never want to end it but I could not go on like this. So in order for me to go back to normal I need more time for myself, need to travel by myself sometimes and focus on my activities. This sounds silly but somewhere on the way, with the move, school and everything else I don’t even read book for pleasure anymore. This used to be my biggest escape time, my biggest personal enjoyment (well I’m not that much of a grandma but I don’t want to mention cool stuff like party and naughty things atm), and I managed to lose that too. I need to take a step back before I freak out and get really scared. I don’t need a spiritual journey like that stupid book “Eat, Pray, Love” that makes me angry every time I hear about it! Like that’s what’s recommended for all the frustrated women in the world? Who the heck has the money to go and do that?! Middle aged women, that struggle with kids, a marriage down the drain the last 10 years, unhappy with their work should just break down on the floor, take their kids savings and just go out and see the world! Oh yes, the writer doesn’t have children so she can do that but – I still recommend all women to read and learn from this book, Oprah says, a multimillionaire TV mogul WITHOUT CHILDREN!!! And the guy she meets is 18 years older, 18 years!!! Some shrunken resin that thinks he is all exotic, ahhh it drives me crazy, this crap.

But back to my subject, I just need to refocus that is all and I think in the end things will be just fine.

I am back

I have been away from some weeks due to heavy work load in school and a two week trip to Sweden. The time in Sweden was exactly what I needed to regain some strength or to “Fill up my batteries “as my mom would say. I did nothing for two weeks and I plan not to do so until somewhere in the evening after New Year’s Eve. 

I feel like I will start next year as an improved version of myself and more suited for a life here in The Netherlands since I know more about what could disturb it. After 1, 5 years here I have learned how to make myself happy and what to avoid. I am boring I know, but this is all for now.

Hate speech of the day!

In times like this when I am expected to squeeze out more than 3500 words by Monday next week I have to focus on the good things.  One thing that is keeping me up is that I am leaving for Sweden in 12 days and finally get to see my family. This semester I have really been attending all classes religiously and hardly been away. Unfortunately I have to be back before New Year because of all the exams in January so not that much of a vacation.

Another thing that really got me excited even though it is too uncertain is the possibility of an exchange with Canada next year. My study provides mostly exchange to the US but I just don’t have that much of a desire to go there since I feel that you pay much more than you get. Another thing in Canada that is great is that I have many relatives I maybe could stay at so we will see after next week when I have more info about all this.

My general mood is a bit conflicting, I feel quite done with all the school stuff and found myself quite annoyed at people in Sweden with huge blogs. The blog culture in Sweden is huge, much bigger than anywhere else I have seen and is dominated by girls writing about fashion and posting retouched pics of them. What annoys me so much is that I work my ass of here trying to finish my courses while some people are graduating in the Paris Hilton School of how to become famous and earn money for nothing. One of them even stated that “Journalist program on University level is a joke in Sweden” yesterday.  I want to earn money like that too, I mean to have a scene or audience and do something with it! Sounds cliché I know, but still I don’t get how you can use attention you get to….publish nice pictures of yourself and your latest outfit? The fact that they sometimes call it “Outfitta” thinking it is fun since the word “fitta” means pussy in Sweden is beyond my understanding! It is not fun people, it is stupid!

Budapest

I have been travelling much in my long and mysterious life, as a result of this exciting life, people often come up to me and ask how it feels to be so vise and at the same time good looking? 

I may have travelled much but I really haven't been much in Eastern Europe, which is a shame because I have this picture in my head that it is really beautiful. My boyfriend happens to have some friends living in Budapest and after some conversations with them we ended up deciding that we will visit them sometime after New Year. It feels really good to finally travel again, I hate the mechanical rhythm of the everyday life and haven't been able to travel anywhere since summer except to Sweden! These people living in Budapest also seem like the nicest, warm and social people I have ever talked to so I think it can't be anything else but fun!

This is what I am keeping myself on to, the travelling.....because higher powers help us all the snow has now reached Holland also.

Reading International Organisations, Reading International Organisations, Reading Int......replanting my kaktus, replanting my kaktus....wtf just happened?

The result of my studying today!

Random Random Random

What a long day today, it lasted forever! I got up at 6 am and went to bed last night around 1, way to little sleep. Anyways, had a presentation today that for some reason caused me much stress, it was like everything I ever been stressed over these past month culminated in to that presentation today. When it was over I could just feel everything washing of me and I feel so much lighter now!

Since I am going to Sweden in less than three weeks I would like to have a big party before New Year! New Year’s Eve is usually very overrated since everyone feels some kind of pressure because you are supposed to have fun and have a great evening! So just want to take that pressure away and have a nice party before. The only thing is that it is quite difficult to find dates that fits everyone and I hate that. I want everyone to come on the same evening
Not a very useful post but some days there is not much to say so I call it a night!

Facebook is not evil - we are just stupid

- Facebook can just take your pictures and use them for advertisement for dildos or porn sites
- Perverts will use your kids pictures
- Your future boss will Google your ass and find all your drunken party pictures over the years

Since all of this is true it must mean that Facebook is evil and should be banned to exist! We have no responsibility over what we put up on the Internet and how that might affect us and our environment!

This reasoning is just so retarded I get annoyed every time I hear it! Why put up lingerie pictures that can be misused? You want the attention but can’t imagine the consequences? And then we have all the parents, selling their kids online basically, thousands of pictures, some completely naked of the child all over the place. Wonder if they think what their children will think when they grow up and see that they have been on Facebook longer than they can remember? And why on earth do you put up pictures that you think might cause you problems in the future? Everyone blames Facebook that is big enough to not follow the rules and at the same time everybody makes it possible for Facebook to break the rules since people just keep uploading information all the time. Just because something sucks and breaks the rules it does not mean you should aid it by supporting its agenda. All bad things on the Internet would disappear if we just could boycott it and find better things to do with our time.

People are in general funny when complaining about these huge often American cooperation’s. Almost everyone agrees that companies like McDonald’s are bad for the environment and the animals but they still go and eat there. Same with Facebook, it’s so horrible and it’s making us in to their own electronic bitches and still we log on every day! Personally I couldn’t care less since I don’t put up things I don’t want people to see. I also see Facebook as a social network where I can keep in touch with people all over the world; I just choose not to put on my drunken and lingerie pictures.

Everyday life without magnificant substance

This semester has been very weird for me, it’s almost over and I feel like I never even got connected to anything. Courses, friends and life went by my but I didn’t react much on it. The only thing that gets my very stressed is the workload in school, there seems to be something huge grade deciding coming along all the time. I cannot wait for this to be over since the courses this year in American Studies have been horrible boring.  Seriously, if someone asks me to write one more essay I will lose it. In other trivial news about my everyday life, in less than a month I am going back to see my family in Sweden and spend the Christmas holiday there. Being close to your family is almost like a curse when you are far away because the more you talk the more you miss them. I really miss just hanging around them and talking. 

Anyways, yesterday a friend from school sent me a very funny video that I just have to share here, because of course half of the world is reading my blog so I am sure it will give you profound joy seeing this!

Enjoy......Turtle and Cat

Bajram serif mubarek olsun! - Easily translated to - Happy Bajram!

Today is the Islamic holiday Eid or like we say in Bosnian, Bajram. It means that I got gifts from my boyfriend this morning but it also means a few other things, you know linked to religion. In short we celebrate it in order to commemorate the  willingness of Abraham or like spelled and said in Islam Ibrahim to sacrifice his son Ishmael (Isma'il) as an act of obedience to God or as you all know from the media right now Allah. For this holiday meat from different animals (not the pig, Haha) is divided into three parts to be distributed to others. The family retains one third of the share, another third is given to relatives, friends and neighbors, and the other third is given to the poor & needy. Now, Muslims in the western world and other parts of the world do not go out and slaughter farmers sheep’s and cows for this holiday, instead we give money to charity or to someone we know is in need.  For the rest we spend time with our family and our close friends during this day.

Here comes the part where I feel completely left out and lonely, imagine being alone on Christmas? This is how it feels for me here in the Netherlands since my family is back in Sweden all hanging out together. I can sometimes get really annoyed that people expect me to celebrate Christmas with them, which I don’t mind but shouldn’t my holidays be respected and known about then or is that too much to ask? I’m not talking about people at school knowing or people in general just the ones that invite me for Christmas every year, I feel a bit sad and left out twice a year when my holidays which I have celebrated all my life seems to not matter at all, not even at a personal level when concerning me.

Important message

Btw: Writing in two languages as I promised? Not going to happen, I remembered that my computer with my Swedish keyboard died and went to Narnia and that's why I bought a new one in first place! And writing Swedish without proper Swedish letters is like eating Swedish meatballs without some kind of berry jam, it is just not possible and feels retarded!

And in this short post I managed to make amends with the Swedish language by writing the word Swedish a lot!