Some personal things

While being in Sweden I experienced some kind of personal crisis regarding my relationship. It has been in the back of my head for quite some time, gnawing on me and making me feel horribly guilty every time it would come up to the surface. Because there is nothing wrong with my boyfriend, I felt there was something wrong with me. Why can’t I be happy when everything goes well? Most people would die for a relationship like mine and still there was something missing. Since I keep ignoring this for such a long time it caused me to eventually feel very bad. I had days where I felt like my life was over, nothing fun would ever happen again, I was old, fat and boring, a shadow of my previous self. As I write this now I realize how horrible it sounds but I really did feel like that, in combination with some other things going on all I wanted to do was to go home. I felt loved by my boyfriend but not liked by the people close to him and while being in Sweden I realized I need to figure this out. 

When sitting on the toilet seat, watching my mom sort the laundry I finally just said what I felt so guilty about. I felt trapped in my relationship and it was all moving very, very fast and it was all so serious. I would never want to end it but I could not go on like this. So in order for me to go back to normal I need more time for myself, need to travel by myself sometimes and focus on my activities. This sounds silly but somewhere on the way, with the move, school and everything else I don’t even read book for pleasure anymore. This used to be my biggest escape time, my biggest personal enjoyment (well I’m not that much of a grandma but I don’t want to mention cool stuff like party and naughty things atm), and I managed to lose that too. I need to take a step back before I freak out and get really scared. I don’t need a spiritual journey like that stupid book “Eat, Pray, Love” that makes me angry every time I hear about it! Like that’s what’s recommended for all the frustrated women in the world? Who the heck has the money to go and do that?! Middle aged women, that struggle with kids, a marriage down the drain the last 10 years, unhappy with their work should just break down on the floor, take their kids savings and just go out and see the world! Oh yes, the writer doesn’t have children so she can do that but – I still recommend all women to read and learn from this book, Oprah says, a multimillionaire TV mogul WITHOUT CHILDREN!!! And the guy she meets is 18 years older, 18 years!!! Some shrunken resin that thinks he is all exotic, ahhh it drives me crazy, this crap.

But back to my subject, I just need to refocus that is all and I think in the end things will be just fine.

I am back

I have been away from some weeks due to heavy work load in school and a two week trip to Sweden. The time in Sweden was exactly what I needed to regain some strength or to “Fill up my batteries “as my mom would say. I did nothing for two weeks and I plan not to do so until somewhere in the evening after New Year’s Eve. 

I feel like I will start next year as an improved version of myself and more suited for a life here in The Netherlands since I know more about what could disturb it. After 1, 5 years here I have learned how to make myself happy and what to avoid. I am boring I know, but this is all for now.

Hate speech of the day!

In times like this when I am expected to squeeze out more than 3500 words by Monday next week I have to focus on the good things.  One thing that is keeping me up is that I am leaving for Sweden in 12 days and finally get to see my family. This semester I have really been attending all classes religiously and hardly been away. Unfortunately I have to be back before New Year because of all the exams in January so not that much of a vacation.

Another thing that really got me excited even though it is too uncertain is the possibility of an exchange with Canada next year. My study provides mostly exchange to the US but I just don’t have that much of a desire to go there since I feel that you pay much more than you get. Another thing in Canada that is great is that I have many relatives I maybe could stay at so we will see after next week when I have more info about all this.

My general mood is a bit conflicting, I feel quite done with all the school stuff and found myself quite annoyed at people in Sweden with huge blogs. The blog culture in Sweden is huge, much bigger than anywhere else I have seen and is dominated by girls writing about fashion and posting retouched pics of them. What annoys me so much is that I work my ass of here trying to finish my courses while some people are graduating in the Paris Hilton School of how to become famous and earn money for nothing. One of them even stated that “Journalist program on University level is a joke in Sweden” yesterday.  I want to earn money like that too, I mean to have a scene or audience and do something with it! Sounds cliché I know, but still I don’t get how you can use attention you get to….publish nice pictures of yourself and your latest outfit? The fact that they sometimes call it “Outfitta” thinking it is fun since the word “fitta” means pussy in Sweden is beyond my understanding! It is not fun people, it is stupid!