What did I do at 07:45 this morning?

Was I sleeping?
Still up and refuse to let the party end?
Reading a book since I coldn't sleep because of my retarded neighbors?

No....

I was swimming
Yep, I got up early, took my bike while it still being dark and went swimming
This might not be a weird or a big thing for others but for me I might as well looose my mind!

Im going on Wendsday again btw......

Im waking you up to check if you are sleeping?

I hate the fact that I can't sleep alone anymore. Not in my bed here at least, at other places it's okay but this bed is just made for two people and two people only.
After reading colonial history I finally feel asleep (how very weird?!) and then dreamt about missing all my exams. Somewhere around 04.00 my boyfriend came home from being in town with this very considered idea on his mind. The conversation went something like this:

Boyfriend: Hey baby, wake up, wake up?
Me: What?! Why?
Boyfriend: Im waking you up now so you don't get scared when I lay down in bed now
Me: Uhum......., okay, did you have fun?
Boyfriend: Yeah! I saw this girl dancing really good on a pole!
Me: I am so very happy for you.....
Boyfriend: Goodnight honey
Me: Goodnight!

In his defense: He said she didn't look that good!

Good Feeling

I must say this year started off really well! A lot a things that were hanging loose or in some ways lacking are coming together. I feel like I can finally relax and open up more and more. I simply stopped caring about the injustices done in the beginning and now I count only on myself and my closest around me so I can't get disappointed either in case something goes wrong.

Some months ago I signed up for this very social and travelling fraternity here in Groningen. To be honest I didn't think much about it and didn't really bother to read all the emails they were sending out either. Sure they were in Dutch but with a small effort I can read them but never got to it. I have also been invited to go out, meet up with people countless time but as mentioned before, never got to it. Something was holding me back! While being in Sweden, relaxing and reloading something changed in me, I became my old self and its very weird how fast a change can occur. When returning from Sweden everything just fell in place, social life, studying, feelings about my relationship and myself! Everything! Guess all I want to say is that it feels damn good to be back on track again!

In order to survive the exam period

Since my biggest thrill of the day is to walk 500 meters to the local food store and buy breakfest right now I thought I would help myself to hold on and remind myself of all the fun trips I have coming my way! I study 10 hours a day and nothing else which makes me a very very boring person with hardly any contact with the outside world.

I just booked my trip to Sweden and my hometown Norrkoping again. Thought it would be nice to squeeze in some more family time before the school starts!

While being "happy" on New Year's I bumped in to two girls from the same fraternity as me and they told me we could take a cheap flight to Dublin, Ireland in February. Said and done, I bought a ticket two days ago!

And finally (planned for now) I'm going with my boyfriend to Hungary, Budapest to visit some friends of his!

Ohh, now it feels so much better returning to my reading about the French-Indian War during the colonial time in America. Dear God I have never cared less about anything but this post will at least allow me to get pass it without falling asleep!

Vaccation was too short

New Year was great and spent with friends and much olie bollen! My exams are coming up soon and I feel that I did not have enough time at all to rest!

The answer to my problem?

Play Final Fantasy 9 all day long!!!

Some personal things

While being in Sweden I experienced some kind of personal crisis regarding my relationship. It has been in the back of my head for quite some time, gnawing on me and making me feel horribly guilty every time it would come up to the surface. Because there is nothing wrong with my boyfriend, I felt there was something wrong with me. Why can’t I be happy when everything goes well? Most people would die for a relationship like mine and still there was something missing. Since I keep ignoring this for such a long time it caused me to eventually feel very bad. I had days where I felt like my life was over, nothing fun would ever happen again, I was old, fat and boring, a shadow of my previous self. As I write this now I realize how horrible it sounds but I really did feel like that, in combination with some other things going on all I wanted to do was to go home. I felt loved by my boyfriend but not liked by the people close to him and while being in Sweden I realized I need to figure this out. 

When sitting on the toilet seat, watching my mom sort the laundry I finally just said what I felt so guilty about. I felt trapped in my relationship and it was all moving very, very fast and it was all so serious. I would never want to end it but I could not go on like this. So in order for me to go back to normal I need more time for myself, need to travel by myself sometimes and focus on my activities. This sounds silly but somewhere on the way, with the move, school and everything else I don’t even read book for pleasure anymore. This used to be my biggest escape time, my biggest personal enjoyment (well I’m not that much of a grandma but I don’t want to mention cool stuff like party and naughty things atm), and I managed to lose that too. I need to take a step back before I freak out and get really scared. I don’t need a spiritual journey like that stupid book “Eat, Pray, Love” that makes me angry every time I hear about it! Like that’s what’s recommended for all the frustrated women in the world? Who the heck has the money to go and do that?! Middle aged women, that struggle with kids, a marriage down the drain the last 10 years, unhappy with their work should just break down on the floor, take their kids savings and just go out and see the world! Oh yes, the writer doesn’t have children so she can do that but – I still recommend all women to read and learn from this book, Oprah says, a multimillionaire TV mogul WITHOUT CHILDREN!!! And the guy she meets is 18 years older, 18 years!!! Some shrunken resin that thinks he is all exotic, ahhh it drives me crazy, this crap.

But back to my subject, I just need to refocus that is all and I think in the end things will be just fine.

I am back

I have been away from some weeks due to heavy work load in school and a two week trip to Sweden. The time in Sweden was exactly what I needed to regain some strength or to “Fill up my batteries “as my mom would say. I did nothing for two weeks and I plan not to do so until somewhere in the evening after New Year’s Eve. 

I feel like I will start next year as an improved version of myself and more suited for a life here in The Netherlands since I know more about what could disturb it. After 1, 5 years here I have learned how to make myself happy and what to avoid. I am boring I know, but this is all for now.